So Far, So Tired

Tired is good. Tired means I’m not just being idle with time. Tired means I’m exerting effort and trying to do something productive.

2014 has been an incredibly busy year so far. I feel like I’m always on the go that I barely have enough time for everything on my to-do list. I think this has been the longest time I haven’t watched an Asian movie. For a fanatic, that’s a sign that I’m really having some troubles balancing my time.

Obviously, I’ve been busy with blogging. Between Oh My Janey and Asian Fixations, my blogger hands are already full. But I love every minute of it. Writing has been my life-blood ever since I can remember, and the joy of writing whatever I want and having people actually listen (no matter how few!) is enough to make my heart go dugeun dugeun. I’ve also made quite a few friends from halfway across the universe since I started, and they’re probably the best reasons why blogging rocks.

My friends and I also recently started a site for Millenials in Manila which we decided to call Manillenials, because we’re cheesy like that. I am excited and happy for this project, because blogging is made 10 times more fun with friends. I have so much hope and dreams for this site, and I can’t wait to see it all unfold. I do hope we can maintain it and we never run out of stories. It’ll be tough, and I can only pray that it’ll be a fun ride.

Also, I chopped off my hair.

Last week, I graduated from my Korean language class. But “graduated” is a silly term since I actually failed the class. It’s the first time I actually failed a class, I’m a bit surprised I didn’t cry.  For three months, three times a week I went straight to class after work. It was tiring and taxing but it was fun. I also learned quite a lot even though my exam result doesn’t really show it! And tomorrow’s the TOPIK, and I’m still trying to decide whether I’ll sit for the exam or not. I am not prepared and haven’t read my notes at all. I was too stupid to realize that I’d be too busy during Holy Week to attend an exam on an Easter Sunday. Great.

And so, I have a confession to make. I’ve been feeling under the weather for the past few weeks and I have yet to come up with a specific reason why. I actually told Alex that he has to be patient with me for the next few days because I might be gloomy and moody. I will try to cheer up, but it’s not a promise I can make.

I can’t even put into words what exactly I’m feeling right now. The last time I felt this down was back in 2010 when I was incredibly unsure of my future. I think I’m feeling like that right now. So many good things are happening to me, and it probably seems ungrateful to feel this way. It’s not like I don’t appreciate all the blessings and the chances, it’s just that I really don’t know where I’m going.

I sometimes ask myself if I even have a dream. I think I do, but it’s still shaping up, so now I’m in a limbo. There are days when I’m pretty sure what I want, then I wake up and I was not sure anymore.  So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m confused. But I’m only 23, and I’m pretty sure I’ll figure this out. Maybe I’m only like this because I’m nearing my birthday, and I’m the birthday grinch after all. Maybe not.

Right now, I hope it’s okay that I’m not okay. I want to be okay because I know my friends are worried. I want to be okay because I want to be a little ball of sunshine again. I want to be okay, because who wouldn’t?

I’m pretty sure I’ll spring back to the old me in the coming days. I just need some time to recuperate and to wrap my head around things I have difficulty understanding and accepting. I actually want to go on a solo trip, and it frustrates me that I can’t. For the meantime, I’ll surround myself with the people who actually care. And I’ll write, because writing will always be my best friend.

I will be okay.