A day before my birthday, I took a leave of absence from work to spend some time alone. It probably sounds silly, wanting to have an alone time when most people would celebrate it with friends and family. But after spending everyday surrounded by people, with my schedule being reliant on other people’s schedule, I wanted a day all to myself. You can say it’s an introvert’s birthday wish.
I woke up late, read and had breakfast in bed, napped for an hour, ate lunch by myself, then went home to Laguna when I felt like it. It would have been perfect if I wasn’t coughing and sneezing the entire day.
Though I didn’t really do anything special, having a day of rest was enough to make me happy.
Happy—now, that’s a state of being that’s difficult to achieve lately.
It was no secret that the past few months had been challenging, and I hadn’t exactly been a ball of sunshine. In my head anyway. I’m pretty sure I’m still cheerful most of the time, and I’m always down for a good laugh. But it’s different when I’m not busy with anything. I guess that’s why I don’t mind working long hours lately, or why I’m actually okay spending a lot of time outside.
I’ve been too much of a hermit these days. Being a homebody rocks, but it became my excuse to skip on appointments, meetings with friends, and sometimes, even responsibilities. The littlest chores are the most taxing to carry out.
Things weren’t as bad as last year, but I had a couple of hiccups this year, too. I finally admitted to the world that I was living day by day with no goals in mind. And when someone asked me about my dreams, I broke down and admitted that I didn’t have one. At one point, I even thought there’s no room for me to harbor a dream.
However, I would like to believe that’s all over now. I womaned up and got my shit together. It’s easy to bounce back when you have a solid support system. I am not very expressive, but I don’t really need to be expressive to find support and solace. In that aspect, I am more than lucky.
There are days when I still bumble, and I still haven’t figured it out. The details are still blurry and on most days, it’s difficult to stay motivated. May was a particularly difficult month, and it feels like I sleepwalked through it. But I’m okay. I’m pulling through. I’m trudging on. Not flourishing, but I’m surviving.
Though they say that you don’t have to wait for the new year or for the first day of anything to start something, my birthday feels like a good starting point. I haven’t been in my best element since last year, yet my birthday felt like a pretty good day to try to be better.
There’s a lot of pressure when you’re already 28 years old, not yet married, and not yet “successful” in other people’s point of view. But I’m living at my own pace and not on anybody else’s rules. I now have goals and dreams, big and small, and there’s even a chance that those goals and dreams will transform and take on a different shape in a few months. And it’s perfectly okay.
Blogging about all this still feels a bit embarrassing, knowing that there are people who actually read my word vomit. Sometimes I even think there’s a disconnect between my real life self and my blogger self. Then again, I blog to reflect on the things that happen to me and the thoughts that crossed my mind. It has transformed into a travel blog for the past couple of years, but first and foremost, it’s a personal blog. I try to be as honest as possible, though the fear of being judged by people in real life still prevents me from being a hundred percent open. I often wonder what should remain private and which ones I can post. But still, keeping this running for so long gives me insight on how much I have changed and transformed.
While I haven’t been the most diligent blogger for the past two years, I am glad that I somehow managed to capture my mindset for certain periods of time. I am glad that I have this blog to look over the past months and see how I had been doing before. It gives me perspective, and it allows me to reflect on myself.
I was only 20 years old when I started Oh My Janey. I am now 28. I have celebrated 8 birthdays with the blog!
I’d been asked multiple times about my birthday wish, and I couldn’t think of one. But now that I have taken the time to write and think about it, I finally have one.
I’m 28 and I feel young. In fact, I think it’s a pretty good age. Two years from now, I’ll be 30 years old. That used to scare me, but now it doesn’t. Growing older terrified me, because I was scared of not achieving things earlier than everybody else or running out of time to do everything I want. After gaining some perspective, there’s one thing I wish to still be true 5, 10, or 20 years from now. I wish to always feel as if I have enough time to try new stuff, to go on adventures, to start something, to be someone, to be passionate and crazy. Always.
I wish the same for you, dear reader. Please never think you’re too old to do something for the first time, to aim for bigger goals, or to finally conquer your fear. I’m rooting for you, the way I know you’re rooting for me, too.